Intimate relationships are certainly not easy. There are many things that can do damage to the bond between us, especially over time if we fail to nurture it. Fortunately there are many simple things we can do to strengthen the bond and reignite the living feelings. Below are my top 5 recommendations...
1. Get to Know Your Partner Again
Over time we can grow apart and lose the friendship that is so vital to having something in common and feeling known and seen. Become your partner’s companion again by getting reacquainted with their interests and likes. Ask questions about their interests, join them in their activities, step outside of YOUR world and into THEIRS. John Gottman calls this “updating our love maps” because with time interests and likes change and so should our understanding of our partner.
What not to do: Focus on your own interests and only pay attention when your partner’s interests are the same as your own
2. Lead with Vulnerability
So often when we feel unappreciated, unsupported, or neglected we begin to feel angry. Underneath the anger, however, we often feel afraid, sad, or vulnerable. Rather than package up this vulnerability and direct it towards our partner as harsh words, silent treatment, or criticism, which make us feel strong, lead with your vulnerability instead. It’s okay not to be strong, it’s okay to worry, it’s okay to miss your partner. Take a chance and open up about your real fears or longings. It typically reignites your partner’s empathy and makes them feel closer and more loving towards you.
What not to do: Let your anger lead the way; assume you know your partner’s intentions or what’s really in their heart; stay strong and don’t let your guards down
3. Be Supportive of Your Partner
To love someone is truly about loving and supporting those things about your partner that makes them feel whole and fulfilled even if these things don’t always include you. Make your partner feel like you want the best for them even if it comes at a price to you. If your partner wants to go out with friends encourage it even if you would rather spend the evening together; if your partner needs to stay late at work to finish up a project make it guilt free and appreciate them for being such a hard worker. Being supportive is a self-less act of nurturing something in your partner that matters to them and can make them feel they can be their best and fullest self with you.
What not to do: Make your partner feel they have to choose between you and their own personal enrichment; focus only on the cost to you and not on the reward for your partner
4. Spend Quality Time Together
Relationships cannot survive unless you put time into them. Spending quality time together by having shared experiences is essential. A relationship cannot just be based on living parallel lives or each of us doing our own thing. Plan a date, take time off to go on a day trip, watch a movie together, go for a walk, make time for each other and with each other. Don’t quite know what your partner would like? Just declare your intention to spend time with your partner and use it as a conversation starter. Can’t agree what to do? Maybe take turns to plan something. It’s the intention that matters.
What not to do: Get stuck in a rut of just doing the same things day in and day out; focus only on logistics, chores, or work for long periods of time
5. Show You Are Thinking of Your Partner
Make your partner feel like you are thinking of them. When you are at the grocery store pick up their favorite ice cream, during the day send them a text to ask how they are doing, when you plan a date take them some place you know THEY would like. When you want to do something nice for them do something THEY would appreciate not something YOU would appreciate. Many little gestures like this will make your partner feel like they matter to you and will quell any feelings of neglect or doubts about your feelings towards them.
What not to do: Live your life based on your own needs, likes, and priorities and never put these aside to ask yourself “what would my partner want?”
Don't Wait Too Long... Start Investing in Your Relationship Today
So there you have it, 5 recommendations of things you can do on a daily or almost daily basis to nurture your relationship and strengthen your bond. Investing in your relationship this way is almost destined to lead to greater health and happiness for both of you.
Feels like it is too late or like there is already too much water under the bridge? Not to worry, long periods of miscommunication, resentments, or neglect can sometimes make it difficult to turn the ship around alone. In these situations it might be time to get the help of a professional. A couple’s therapist can help you get unstuck from patterns that are too hard to undo on your own. Couples therapy may sometimes be a necessary next step to salvage or improve a relationship in distress. But don’t wait too long… The chances of good outcomes in couples therapy are better the earlier you seek out help
Want to know more about how couples therapy can help you? Have a look around my website for more information about what it entails...
Curious what the most common issues are that bring couples to couples therapy? Read about it here:
Not sure where to even start to find the right therapist? Read my blogpost:
